To Dad, With Love.

3 years. It’s been 3 years since you’ve left. I never went to say goodbye, because I never believed you were leaving. I knew the tremendous pain and suffering you were going through, yet somehow, I couldn’t convince myself that there will be no “you” anymore. And you know what? I still don’t. I still do not believe that you are gone forever. No. I don’t. I prefer to think that you’re somewhere out there. You are watching over me. You know my every worry, every struggle, every bit of joy in my life. You are witness to all of it. I don’t believe in afterlife. I never did. Never will. The idea of an afterlife is nothing but romanticism to me. But even then, I still haven’t been able to muster the courage to believe in the absolute absence of you.
 
I still see you in my dreams. In them, you always look sad, as if you’re suffering even now. And I so badly wish I could do something about that.
 
No amount of words will ever be enough to describe your sacrifices for your family, the things you’ve smilingly given up, just so that we could live a more comfortable life, just so that we could be a happy family. But that happy family never came to be, due to the string of unfortunate events that plagued your significant other’s mind and turned your own flesh and blood against you.
 
You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated by your own kin. NO. You didn’t deserve the anger, the loathing, the disgust, the torment, the frustration and the complaints. But those things were always plentiful around us, weren’t they? Those things were always hovering over us. You deserved to be loved and cherished for your beautiful heart that always saw the best in people, even when they didn’t see it themselves.
 
For 26 years, the only bright spot in my life was you. The only speck of light, of hope, of positivity was you. No matter what happened, what I did, what they did to you, you always believed in me. You always told me to keep moving ahead. You never judged me. You kept an open mind and encouraged me to do the same. You instilled free thinking in me. You motivated me to be my own person and not subject myself to blind faith. I owe the very fabric of my being to you.
 
I’ve seen your struggle, I’ve seen the hardships you’ve been through. I’ve seen how everything you’ve ever held close to your heart was taken from you. I’ve been witness to the alienation you were subjected to by your own family. I’ve known it all. All too well.
And the more I saw, the less I believed in the word “family”. Families are supposed to be together, right? They are supposed be a unit, right? Well, my experience says something else entirely.
 
What I wouldn’t give to see you once again, in flesh, just once.
 
I miss you Baba. I miss you so much. I love you a lot. I’ll always love you a lot.

The Sublime Ombre

Lovers, blending into each other

Fading into each other

Touching the sky, diving into an abyss

Etching each other’s memories with these moments

These moments

That are forever

But oh-so-fleeting! 

I don’t know when I wasn’t me anymore. 

I had lost myself somewhere 

In the abyss or the sky

I don’t know. 

But it doesn’t matter. 

For I was lost in your embrace. 

The summer hides deep within 

The winter

The icy chill engulfs

The refreshing breeze 

Trapping it

Choking it

Blindfolding it

There’s no way out. 

It’s a dead end. 

But who cares?

For we are lovers 

Blending into each other

Fading into each other

To the tune of the sublime ombre of love. 

Triple X Girlfriend by Front 242

I’ve just found a beautiful song with even more beautiful, deep and profound lyrics. The song is titled “Triple X Girlfriend” and it’s by Front 242. I’ve never heard anything by this band before so I guess this is a good start. This song has gotten me interested to delve deeper into their music.

Here’s the lyrics:

“There is nothing here I haven’t seen
I’m just waiting for my turn to leave
There is nothing I haven’t experienced
And so little left to talk about
There is nothing I haven’t been been through
I’ve stopped waiting for what will not come
There is nothing here I haven’t seen
I’m just waiting for my turn to leave
I will sink soon
I will sink
I will sink soon
I will sink
…soon
there is nothing more I need to learn
I’m more than ready for my return
I’m about to leave this (?doggie tree?)
My visions do not frighten me
I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually
I will sink soon
I will sink
I will sink soon
I will sink
I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually
I hid far from myself already
Entering a higher energy
I feel my forces abandoning me
I see the lights growing gradually
I will sink soon
Or will I soar?”

Tell me that isn’t beautiful!

I’m so glad to have discovered Front 242.

Here’s the video: 

 

We are all a little bit broken

We are all a little bit damaged

We are all a little bit tainted. 

We all seek solace

Seek relief

Seek comfort.

But, in our quest to find “that place” where we can enjoy those things someday, we tend to lose our grip on the “now”,  the “present”, the reality. 

We condition ourselves to overlook the simple joys of life. We get so used to the rut that we forget to appreciate that even everyday things can be special. Well, sometimes. 

Sometimes, even mundane things can be the sources of happiness. But we have a goal in mind. So, we don’t pay attention to such trivial things. 

Perspectives

All my life, I’ve been pretty good at understanding other people’s perspectives. I had learnt to use my observation to connect people’s behaviours with their thought processes in my formative years (I had a lot of time, I wasn’t allowed to go outside and I was an observant child). Using this, I’ve predicted actions that have come true more than most of the time. Yes, I’ve observed that too.  🙂